SCREAM: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Chase McCown
FADE IN:
INT. SCARY LOOKING HOUSE OUT IN THE WOODS
DREW BARRYMORE is inside the house with a blonde wig.
She is ALL ALONE. There is NO ONE within miles of her.
It is nighttime, and VERY DARK outside. Of course, this
house has a lot of windows, so someone outside could
easily see EVERYTHING she is doing. The phone rings.
SCARY VOICE
What's your favorite scary movie?
DREW BARRYMORE
"Home Fries." Absolutely terrifying.
SCARY VOICE
Good answer, you dumb bitch. Because
of that movie, I will gut you.
DREW
Noooooooooo!
A SCARY figure with a GHOST FACE costume brutally guts
Drew. This is scary, because there is a lot of blood and
there is NO ONE around to help.
INT. NEVE CAMPBELL'S HOUSE
It is night time at Neve's house and she is in her
VIRGINAL pajamas. She is online chatting with Jennifer
Love Hewitt about how they both suck as actresses.
Suddenly, NEVE'S boyfriend SKEET ULRICH jumps through
the window. This is scary because the audience did not
expect it, and the score suddenly got louder.
NEVE CAMPBELL
Oh Skeet, you scared the heck out of
me, you big jerk.
SKEET ULRICH
I am sorry. Please have sex with me.
NEVE
No, I can't. If I want to survive a
horror movie, then I must be a virgin.
(Neve's lips start to quiver)
This will be my annoying whimper that
I will use throughout all of my
movies. It is not unlike whining.
SKEET
Whatever, I gotta go...uhhh...see a
friend.
NEVE
Whimper whimper.
SKEET stands behind Neve and puts on the infamous GHOST
FACE costume. This symbolizes the fact that Neve is a
dumb bitch who doesn't have a clue that her boyfriend is
a psycho killer.
SCARY VOICE
Hello, Neve, what's your favorite
scary movie?
NEVE
"54." I've never seen anything more
frightening.
SCARY VOICE
I will chase you around the house now.
GHOST FACE and NEVE run around her house, knocking over
every possible piece of furniture for no reason.
NEVE
(lips quivering)
What...do...you...want...fr-fr-
from...me?
SCARY VOICE
I want you to stop making movies!
Your movies suck!
NEVE'S friend ROSE McGOWAN arrives at her house. She is
wearing only a string.
SCARY VOICE
What's your favorite scary movie?
ROSE
It's a tie between "The Doom
Generation" and "Jawbreaker." Did I
mention that I am MARILYN MANSON'S
girlfriend, and that I am an
INDIVIDUAL?
GHOST FACE cuts off Rose's tongue, rendering her unable
to ever speak again.
AUDIENCE
Thank you!!
NEVE
(lips quivering)
Stop...killing...my friends!
GHOST FACE takes off his mask to reveal SKEET ULRICH.
SKEET
Surprise Neve...I'll bet you never saw
this coming!
NEVE
(lips quivering)
Why....did....you....do...this?
SKEET
You mean why did "we" do this! I have
an accomplice.
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT comes in with a GHOST FACE costume.
JENNIFER
Neve, we can't both be multimillion
dollar actresses with hit horror
movies that amaze the easily amused.
Therefore, I will have to kill you so
the "I Know What You Did Last Summer"
series can thrive without competition.
Another GHOST-FACED FIGURE appears. The mask is taken
off to reveal SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR.
SMG
Not so fast. I, too, have a series of
trendy teenage movies that will not do
well at the box office unless you are
both eliminated.
SKEET
You were in "Simply Irresistible!"
You must die!
SMG
Wait! Neve was in "54!" Kill her!
NEVE
Yeah, but Jennifer was in "House
Arrest!"
JENNIFER
Skeet should die! He was in "The
Newton Boys!"
EVERYONE
Now I see what this is all about. We
have all been in bad movies that have
just sucked. If we continue to make
such crap and pass it along as quality
entertainment, we might end up dead.
Perhaps it's time to trade in our SAG
cards and go to college.
Two characters bump into each other, the score suddenly
gets louder, and this scares the audience.
END
