SCREAM 2: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Mike Lowell
FADE IN:
INT. THEATER
JADA PINKETT and OMAR EPPS watch a horror movie based on
the events in the first film. The infamous MR. GHOSTFACE
from the first film is sitting next to them.
JADA PINKETT
There are no black people in this
film, yo. Horror movies discriminate
against anybody that isn't white.
OMAR EPPS
Hmm.
HEATHER GRAHAM appears on screen, taking her clothes off.
However, no nudity is shown.
MR. GHOSTFACE
Damnit! They have the balls to put
Heather Graham in a movie and not show
her breasts? That's it, everybody
dies.
MR. GHOSTFACE stabs JADA PINKETT and OMAR EPPS.
KEVIN WILLIAMSON
See? Wasn't that clever? I had a
black person, Jada Pinkett say no
black people ever get killed in horror
movies and then her and her boyfriend
get stabbed and--
Mr. Ghostface stabs KEVIN WILLIAMSON, rendering him
unable to finish a coherent script for SCREAM 2.
INT. SORORITY HOUSE
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR sits, alone in the house, watching
television.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
Isn't this clever? Not only does
"Party of Five" feature my I KNOW WHAT
YOU DID LAST SUMMER costar, Jennifer
Love Hewitt, it also features my
current SCREAM 2 costar, Neve
Campbell. Clever.
The phone rings. She picks it up.
MR. GHOSTFACE
I am in the house and am going to kill
you.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
(bored)
Okay.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR creeps through the empty house.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
(bored, to AUDIENCE)
Isn't this scary?
AUDIENCE
(also bored)
Not really.
MR. GHOSTFACE bursts out of a closet and chases SARAH
around the house?
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
(while running)
How about this? This is kind of
scary.
AUDIENCE
(still bored)
Uh...I guess.
MR. GHOSTFACE stabs SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR and throws her
off a balcony. She is breathing her last dying breath.
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
Wasn't that frightening? I'm dead
now.
She dies. The AUDIENCE yawns.
EXT. ELSEWHERE ON CAMPUS
JERRY O'CONNEL, ELISE NEAL, and JAMIE KENNEDY are all
brutally murdered, yet, somehow, without much suspense or
emotional involvement.
EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE
COURTENEY COX
Neve! Your best friend, your
boyfriend, and the video store geek
from the first movie and Buffy, the
Vampire Slayer have all been brutally
murdered!
NEVE CAMPBELL
(barely interested)
Oh.
COURTENEY COX
Don't you want to find out who did it
and end all this horror and relentless
psychological torture?
NEVE CAMPBELL
(checks her watch)
There's ten minutes left. I guess we
could.
INT. AUDITORIUM.
MR. GHOSTFACE and COURTENEY COX are squaring off on the
stage.
COURTENEY COX
Who are you?!?!
MR. GHOSTFACE takes off his mask.
TIMOTHY OLPHANT
It's me, Timothy Olyphant, star of
Doug Liman's "Go."
COURTENEY COX
Who? I've never seen you before.
TIMOTHY OLYPHANT
Sure you have. I was in one scene at
the beginning. Way, way at the back.
COURTENEY COX
Um...I guess I'll have to take your
word on that.
She shoots him. He dies. Another MR. GHOSTFACE emerges
from the shadows.
COURTENEY COX
Neve! There were TWO!
NEVE CAMPBELL
(asleep)
Zzzzz.
COURTENEY COX
Who are you?!?!
MR. GHOSTFACE takes off his mask, revealing...a chick.
LAURIE METCALF
Aha! It's me! Skeet Ulrich's mother
from the first film back to get
revenge on you for killing my boy!
COURTENEY COX
(laughing, barely containing)
herself)
Oh, please. Neve, is this Skeet's
long-lost mother back for revenge?
NEVE CAMPBELL
(barely awake)
What? Uh, sure, sure. There's five
minutes left so...sure, that's her.
COURTENEY COX shoots LAURIE METCALF.
COURTENEY COX
Well, thank God that's over. I sure
hope we don't ever have to fight
another Mr. Ghostface in yet another
clever "Scream" movie.
Cause then they'd have to use the
tagline "Someone has taken their love
of TRILOGIES too far" and that would
just be too clever.
NEVE CAMPBELL
(hurriedly)
Yes, yes. Can we go now? I have a TV
series and about six hundred other
films to do.
COURTENEY COX
Sure.
END
